This is too funny!
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Crystal Ball
By Rich Tosches
Monday, Feb 18, 2008 3:36 pm EST
October 10, 2065
One day before her 76th birthday, golfer Michelle Wie, whose six-decade professional career hasn't quite lived up to its promise, withdrew from the Super-Senior LPGA Tour's most prestigious event of the year – the Peaceful Gardens Assisted Living Center Open – telling tournament officials she had "tweaked her hip."
The end came on the 12th hole of the second round, with Wie trailing the leader by 114 strokes. Spectators said the one-time wonder child had just 12-putted, and when the ball finally found the hole Wie glanced at the scoreboard, looked around nervously, began to limp and started wailing, "Ooohhh boy, guess I won't be able to finish."
On a more positive note, Wie later told reporters: "My wrists feel fine."
The mysterious hip injury is the latest in a string of unfortunate ailments dating back to the year 2006, when Wie became known for pulling out of tournaments in which she trailed badly, citing, among other reasons: sore wrists, heat exhaustion, a funny feeling, a tingling sensation, a sense that someone was standing behind her, an itchy scalp, a feeling she just couldn't explain, a weird premonition, imaginary barking dogs, excessive blinking, the belief that her thumbs were about to fall off and, later in her career, unsightly loose skin around her knees.
The once-popular Wie saw her fan base began to erode somewhat following an incident midway through the 2009 LPGA Championship – she withdrew during the second round while trailing by 265 strokes – when she claimed she was attacked by wolves on the 16th hole.
At the start, though, there was great promise.
"She's better than Tiger Woods was when he was 16," PGA golfer Joe Oglivie said shortly after she became a pro. "I played with Tiger and he wasn't this good. "
Woods went on to win 1,899 PGA tournaments, including 903 majors. By comparison, Wie didn't win any tournaments. Although she came very close in the 2027 Sri Lankan Miniature Golf Championship, losing by a stroke when her final putt "lipped out." (It struck the lip of the giant wooden sea bass on No. 18, careening wildly past the thatched hut on No. 17 and disappearing into the moat on No. 14.)
Early in her career, Wie even took on Woods and the rest of the best male golfers in the world, accepting sponsor's exemptions to play in PGA events. So brilliant was her game during the early years of the 21st century that Wie was often mentioned in the same sentence as such PGA greats as Woods, Phil Mickelson and Vijay Singh. An example would be: "Woods, Mickelson and Singh were tied for the lead after shooting rounds of 68 and were slightly ahead of Michelle Wie, who shot a 131."
Despite her struggles, Wie was given multi-million-dollar endorsement contracts by sponsors such as Sony and Nike, both of whom later scrapped their longtime corporate mottos and shared a brand new motto: "What the Heck Were We Thinking?"
Way back in the year 2007 she earned just $23,024 on the course but was paid $12.5 million in endorsements that year according to Golf Digest magazine. (Footnote: This month's Golf Digest cover story features Tiger Woods' grandson, 9-year-old Sven Woods, and the 1,700-yard drive he hit last week in the U.S. Amateur.)
Nike, by the way, introduced a full line of her signature golf clothing in 2007, including slacks that had an inseam measurement of a ridiculous 150 inches. Fashion industry sources say the mistake on the Michelle Wie Golf Pants collection happened because even the seamstress missed the cut.
Rich Tosches has written for the Los Angeles Times and the Denver Post.
